"Greater than 20"

On any typical day, those words..."greater than 20"...could mean almost anything. Number of items on my grocery list, movies on my Blockbuster que, DIY projects around the house, ounces of icecreme I can eat in one sitting, number of pounds I probably need to lose due to my icecreme addiction. Almost anything. Today, however, what "greater than 20" means is my progeterone count! WOOHOO! Greater than 20 is a great result!

I went for my first post IUI blood draw yesturday morning. Yesturday was 5 days post IUI (and day 19 of my cycle). When the nurse called me with the results, i was antsy, fully prepared to hear her say that my progesterone is low again. But, fate played one on me this time. The nurse said that my level was "greater than 20, which is excellent". YES!! She said this meant that my corpus luteum is doing exactly what it's supposed to, and thickening my uterus lining in preparation to hold a fertilized egg. Now, this doesnt necessarily mean that all things are all right, yet. I go back next friday for my second blood draw, which is when they will give me the official pregnancy test to find out if I am, indeed, prego.

Patience might be a virtue, but for those of us who have little of it, it's torture!

Brian and I bought a pregnancy test a few days ago. And took it, knowing darn well it would register positive since the trigger shot that I gave myself before the IUI procedure would still be in my system. (It lasts in your system for 10 days) We just wanted to see it say positive. HA! We got all excited and then just looked at each other like, well, hopefully it will be the same result next week. It was worth the $10.99 we paid for the package of two digital tests. And we will probably take another one on monday, since that will be enough time for the trigger shot hormone to be out of my system. Hopefully my body will be producing the hcg hormone on it's own, due to being pregnant, and it will register another positive. It could be negative though, even it I am pregnant. If there is not enough time that passes between when the trigger shot hormone is gone and my body is producing high enough levels of natural hcg to register on an over-the-counter pg test, then we could get a false negative. That would kind of suck. I'd want to go buy more tests and pee on a stick every morning all week. Friday, the 7th, when I go back for the true test, my blood test, we'll know for sure!

Life is so funny! You just cant plan some of the ironic things that happen. This time last year we were getting ready to leave for a cruise with our good friends Jeremy and Amy. We left on August 8th, 2008. That very day, Amy found out she was pregnant. And here we sit, waiting for the pregnancy to take hold. And I will find out definitely if I'm preggo on my August 7th, 2009 doctors appointment. One day off of exactly one year following their news, we just may be blessed with the exact same news.

With 2 miscarriages this year, i'm SO hopeful that the 3rd time is a charm. I know I said it felt right last time. But can I say that it feels even more right this time? If I'm insanely positive, will it make a difference?

Knocked up on my lunch hour?

Friday we did the Intrauterine Insemination procedure. I totally did this thing on my lunch hour at work.  Brian went to the fertility center at 9:30 am to give his contribution, and I left my office at 11:00 am to go do my part.  It was literally anti-climactic and I was out of there by noon.  Gives a whole new meaning to "afternoon delight".  I mean, we tried to make a baby and all, but i sure left that office feeling a bit unsatisfied!  And let's not even talk about the lack of cuddling afterwards.  They cuddled with my check book, but that was about it.  

I really didn't know what to expect, but it was pretty quick and painless. After having this turkey baster idea in my head for a while, i was pleasantly surprised to discover that the method for inserting the baby making juice is a very thin tube with a syringe on the end of it. They brought the sperm in and made Brian check the specimen tube...to make sure it was the one he wrote his name on after contributing it.  Thank goodness for quality control measures. I work in healthcare, so I know mistakes happen. That's a mistake you don't want to have to deal with later! 5 seconds to insert juice, 20 minutes to lay there with my knee's up. They even had an egg timer in the room to make sure I "cooked" for the entire 20 minutes. 

So now we wait...again.  I go in for a blood draw on Wednesday to have my progesterone level checked. Then I go back in a week from this coming Friday for the official pregnancy test.  I would be utterly shocked if that test came back negative. There's definitely a possibility that it might, I mean, I guess all three big fat beefy clomid-induced follicles they counted in my ovaries could end up either not releasing the egg they are supposed to be housing, or maybe they could release them and, for some reason, the eggs might just not match up with the sperm. Who knows. There are so many scenario's that keep going through my mind, and I know I just need to focus on the most positive scenario, which is that 2 of those beautiful eggs will be fertilized and turn into a little baby boy and a little baby girl.  

Church was wonderful this morning. The message was on codependency. Does the fact that I didn't think I was at all co-dependent, when in reality I do favor a few of those characteristics, actually make me more co-dependent? How about clueless?  Maybe clueless applies the best. Brian and I both had a few "a-ha" moments this morning, which was great. I'm starting to feel more connected to my church routine on Sunday mornings, more so than I've ever been...in my entire 37 years of existence. Which feels wonderful.  I really enjoy Southern Hills Baptist Church. And we aren't Southern Baptist, more like contemporary Baptist. (Southern Hills is just the area of town.) I love our pastor, I love our music director and the music they play and we sing, and I love the size of the congregation. I love that you can dress casual or you can dress dressy. I love that they have a coffee bar. And most importantly, I love the messages. My inner self and inner happiness grows a bit more with each Sunday I attend. My goal this year is to make at least one set of "couple friends" with some fellow church go'ers. I think in order to do this I'm going to have to work harder at convincing Brian to go to a Sunday morning Life Group (Sunday School) with me.  He's not too hip on the Sunday School part of Church, just the Church sermon part. Which doesn't bother me (if I let that bother me, that would be codependency), and I really shouldn't let the fact that he doesn't want to go affect my decision about going (that would be co-dependency), but I do.  If I go, I want him to go with me. What's wrong with that?  Okay, maybe I should lead by example, get up an hour early, go to Life Group on my own and just see if he comes around on his own after he hears about how much I enjoy it. That would be the ultimate example of non-codependency, wouldn't you say?  I'll keep you posted on this initiative. I'm blogging about this to keep myself accountable. I could very easily keep it to myself and not attempt to fulfill my goal, then make up some silly excuse to tell myself to make myself feel better about not attempting to accomplish something that would be very easy to accomplish. 

Right now, this very minute, I feel like being codependent. I'm going to have an evening of ice cream codependency. I will feel much better about eating a small bowl of Blue Bell Southern Blackberry Cobbler ice cream if Brian has a bowl with me. And if he chooses not to have a bowl with me, not only will that make me feel guilty for having one, but I will be inclined to make him feel guilty for not having one.   :-)    However, if I know my husband, and I know my husband, he'll have one, as we share some of these codependency traits.

Being A Dad...What It Means To Me

Being a dad is something I feel every man wants in his life. And I am no different. Being a dad is something that I have always wanted to be. And now I feel as if I am so close to that becoming a reality. Stacie and I go to TFC (the fertility clinic) tomorrow to have our IUI procedure done and I have such a good feeling about it. I truly feel that God has a plan for us and going down this road is it. We have so many family and friends who have been praying for us and well we all know how strong the power of prayer is. So getting back to being a dad. Sorry got off track a bit! :) Being a dad means so much to me. Being able to watch my son or daughter grow up before my own eyes will be such a thrill for me. Watching them go ask mom for something and her tell them no and then they come to me to see if I will give in and say yes. That is what it is all about. And of course if we have a girl, waiting on the front porch with a shotgun the night she goes out on her first date. At least that is my plan, but Stacie may frown on that one. I just get chills when I think about holding my child for the first time in the hospital with Stacie. What a great moment that will be. And having the child with Stacie is the best thing in the world. Stacie is going to be an amazing mother. She is the only woman I have ever been able to see being the mother of my children. She has so much to offer and she will be great at being MOM of the house. We are two very blessed people and we have put everything in god's hands and we know he will bless us when the time is right. I just hope it is like NOW! Well those are my thoughts for right now. Bye

An Ovulating WHAT?

On a lighter note..... Brian wants an ovulating fan for our bedroom.  "What?" I asked. Puzzled as can be about that one.  "You know, a fan, on a stand, that rotates back and forth".  Ohhhhh!  An oscillating fan? "Ya, that's it".  

A definite sign that we need to get past this pre-pregnancy phase and start focusing on a baby phase!

3 Big Follicles

Day 12 of cycle.  I had another ultrasound today to check my follicle growth post 100mg of Clomid last week. Surprisingly, I had 3 nice big beefy follicles and the doctor was very pleased. Apparently 3 follicles is the optimal amount they like to see prior to an IUI procedure and lots of doctors now will cancel procedures if too many follicles have developed. I definitely dont want to end up a Jon & Kate remake, so I'm glad there were only three. With any luck and some divine intervention, hopefully two of those follicles will get fertilized and go on to grow into healthy babies.  My blood work came back great as well. My estrogen level was at 606, which the nurse said was very good.

Two of my awesome follicles... (the big black spots)

After seeing my follicles on the ultrasound, the doc's only words were..."Looks great. Trigger shot tonight. Insemination on Friday".  Then he moved on to the next patient. Needless to say, WE weren't lacking for any emotion after hearing THAT news!  I asked for a picture of my follicles and Brian jumped up and down and did the happy dance once the doctor left the room. 

Tonight at 10:00pm we gave myself the hormone injection to "trigger" my follicles (or eggs) to release.  I really thought I could give it to myself, and was wanting to do so. I don't have issues with needles, or the pain of being stuck for that matter. Whenever I have to have blood drawn or when I donate blood to the Red Cross, I'm always looking at my arm when they stick me and I'm very curious to watch the needle penetrate my skin and see the blood start flowing out. It doesn't give me the willies in the least bit.  I've even stuck other people with needles before, when I was at another health care facility, we only had a part time employee health nurse, so when a new hire would come on board, I would actually give the new employee's their TB screening injections.  I loved doing that. Kind of sadistic, I'm sure, but I really enjoyed sticking needles in people.    The funny thing is.....tonight I couldn't give myself the trigger injection. I did everything until that point, but when it came to actually sticking myself with the needle, my hand just didn't have the force behind it.  No follow through. Brian was right there just waiting for me to say the word. I think he really wanted to give me the injection.  It was cute to watch him.  It only stung a bit. I'm not sure why it had to go in the abdomen area, but it did. He did it like a pro!  He's been so great through this whole fertility process. Anytime we have a question about any part of any procedure, he's the first one on the internet looking up some article, forum, or WebMD explanation of what it means, and he always picks that articles to tell me about that have the most positive relation to what I'm going through.   And he brushes my hair when I get to feeling down. He's awesome. I'm looking so forward to making him a daddy!  

That injection should kick in in about 36 hours.  Brian goes by the Fertility Center at 9:30am Friday morning to give them his sperm deposit, and then I go in at 11:00am to have the insemination procedure done. Let's hear it for those follicles!  WOOHOO!!  

1 week of Clomid...Now we wait!

Last week I started my 5 days of Clomid, 100mg daily. I dont know if it's the Clomid or the process in which we are going through that makes me melancholoy at times. My emotions seem to be a bit more sensitive this last week, but other than that, Clomid doesnt seem to have any side effects. I hope it's doing what it's supposed to do, which is make my egg follicles nice and big and healthy. I will go in for another ultrasound this wednesday, the 22nd. If I show to have some good quality follicles, then we will go forward with the InterUterine Insemination on Friday. If I dont show to have any follicles, then we will give it a couple days to see if the Clomid needs a little more time to do what it's supposed to do and then go from there. The IUI nurse said that we can plan on the procedure being anytime from this friday through next wednesday, depending on what the ultrasounds tell us and what my follicle count looks like.

We went to Fort Smith, AR, this weekend for Brian's cousin's baby shower. Sarah and her husband Tony. Sarah is due mid August. She is adorably pregnant...or pregnantly adorable...(whichever is correct.) This is their first child. They've been trying for a while as well, so it's encouraging to see her now, pregnant and about to pop. We cant wait until baby boy Crockett is born!

To Bleed Or Not To Bleed...that is the question

To bleed or not to bleed, that is the question I ask of thee...Dr. OB! My mother said that I need to start reading poetry to the baby in the womb, so I thought it would be appropriate to start waxing poetically today with a little Shakespearean spinoff! Appropriately spun to reflect the fact that I started bleeding on Saturday. I'm concerned because it is almost as if I started a period again, and since it is now going on the 3rd day of light to medium bleeding, it's starting to make me think there is something wrong, like an early miscarriage, rather than an innocent thing like implantation bleeding or something. I've not had any other symptoms that I read usually accompany a miscarriage, no extreme cramping or pain, and nothing like the pain and heavy bleeding that occurred back in February when I miscarried with a tubal pregnancy. I went to the OB this morning so they could draw blood and they should call me back this afternoon with my HCG and progesterone results. I pray that they will be normal and that this is just a scary little bump in the road. Both my hubby and I have read numerous articles on the internet of women who have experienced the same thing, and worse, and have had healthy pregnancies and deliveries. So i'm hopeful that I will fall into that category. After seeing the "I Didnt Know I Was Pregnant" shows on TV, nothing should really surprise me anymore about pregnancy!

Well, the previous paragraph was written this afternoon before I found out the results of my blood tests. The fertility center called me at 5:00 pm with the results, and after a day of impatiently waiting and trying to be as positive as I could, my fears were confirmed. I miscarried. My HCG levels plummeted down to zero. Honestly, i kind of new something was wrong when i started bleeding this weekend. It was too much like a normal period. But I wanted to believe that maybe it wasn't. It's just so funny, okay not funny, but puzzling, a year ago a doctor told me that my eggs were old and i'd most likely never conceive naturally. And look at us, we've conceived naturally twice this year, but they've just not been able to develop like they should. I don't get it.

At church on Sunday I kept looking for a message within the pastor's sermon. I so much wanted some sort of sign that everything was going to work out this time, or some sort of sign that it wasn't, but there was a pretty darn good reason why. I didn't get it. No message. Not specific to me and my fertility issues at least. My mind keeps going back to something the dentist at my health care facility said to me one day. He is a small town guy, he works at the healthcare facility where I work during the week as a dentist and he pastors a small, very small, like 20 people, congregation on sundays in his home town. The thing I LOVE about recruiting is that I get to build relationships with these doctors prior to them even becoming employees. Once they are on board, they report up to our Medical Director, but there is a special place for them in my recruiting heart that keeps them coming back to the HR office for some one on one chat time with me. About 6 months ago he and I were discussing our personal efforts and such, his being to build his congregation, get his son off to the Air Force successfully and to tame his teenage daughter... mine, to get pregnant. He looked at me and said "are ya livin' right?". To which I said, "of course". But am I? It really makes me wonder, as my mind always goes back to those words of his. I wouldn't say they haunt me, but they linger in my head quite a bit. There has to be a reason why they do. Wouldn't you say?

After work I came home and went across the street to my friends house. I say friends, but we are really just getting to know each other. They haven't lived there very long, less than a year if I was to guess. Celeste and Jeremy are their names. They are our age'ish and we seem to have much in common. They are a great couple, and they just had their first baby last week. He is absolutely gorgeous! I'm trying to get as much "neighbor baby cuddling" time in as possible! I told her the bad news of my miscarriage, shared in a couple of her post delivery stories, and then I was on my way.

I decided that retail therapy was the way to go this evening. Since my husband is in St. Louis at the baseball All Star Game with his dad and my mom and sister are on a cruise to the Caribbean, and my mother-n-law is all the way in Arkansas, my love for shopping was my un-judging companion this evening. $300 bucks later, I'm not much happier, but my wardrobe is a bit more stylish, and I know I'll at least look good as my belly bloating goes down for a while.

I asked the fertility nurse today what our options are. She said that since I'm having a "period" we could consider this a new cycle and start a fertility round this month. So I said...OK. Tomorrow morning I go in for a baseline ultrasound to check out my ovaries and uterus. Since I'm only about 3 days into my period, we are still good this month. I will then start a 5 day cycle of the drug Clomid, a fertility drug to help get my eggs nice and big and healthy. Then a few days later, I'll give myself what they call a "trigger shot", which is literally a shot, with a needle and everything, that I'll give myself in the stomach, to trigger my eggs to drop. The next day we will match up sperms with eggs and hopefully have a good healthy pregnancy. Keep praying. We are going to keep trying until we get it right!

DIY...part 2, the yard!

Why pay someone else a lot of money to have them sod your yard when you can choose one of the hottest days of the summer and sod it yourself? 

One pallet of sod - $100.00

One case of Gatorade - $6.00

Borrowing a friends truck - free

Reveling in your accomplishment after almost dying of a heat stroke - Priceless!

 

We are....DIY

We've been busy doing house projects this summer. Since the house we own was built in the 50's there is always something that needs fixing, changing or modernizing. We've changed out many light fixtures and ripped the carpet out of the bathroom, hallway and our bedroom, to reveal the original hardwoods that I absolutely LOVE. We need to have the hallway refinished, but the wood in the bedrooms have been refinished and look great!

We love the new look of the light fixtures! It's amazing what kind of major

change a 50 dollar light fixture can make! We LOVE the kitchen fixture.

R.I.P Scrappie Nutt - Dec 2007 to May 2009

Sad news in the Nutt family. Scrappie Nutt, our little special needs boxer that we rescued in early 2008 from a puppy mill/boxer rescue, has passed away. Little Scrappie had a massive stroke in mid May. It was too severe for him to have any type of recovery that would allow him a normal life.  The decision was made to put him down.  We are sad for the loss of the little guy, but we are also happy for the memories that he gave us during a very memorable year with him.  He was put on this earth for a short time and during that time he taught us how to love with a little more patience.  We will miss you Scrappie. 

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I'm pregnant! I still cant believe I'm saying those words. But it definitely feels right this time. After a very long year and a half of trying (and believe me, i know and appreciate that for some people it takes many many more years on top of that) I really feel good about this.  My hopes were crushed a year ago when a great doctor with a less than soothing bed side manner told me that my eggs were old.  I guess my "I'll show you" trait kicked into high gear. But it has taken some work to get here.  Let me recount the past.....if anything, just for my own personal need to capture a piece of the past that will be long gone in memory before I know it......

October 13, 2007 - I marry the wonderful Brian Nutt. My knight in shining sports jersey's, the man of my dreams, the father of my future children. I love him so very dearly! We got off birth control (I say we because it's definitely a "we" experience).  We decided that since I'm a bit older, it might take us a bit longer to conceive, so we don't try to get pregnant, but we don't try to prevent getting pregnant either.  

Summer, 2008 - Okay, married life is great and we want some little Nutt's running around. So we start focusing more on actually trying to get pregnant. 2008 was a great year, we went on 2 different cruises with 2 of our closest friends, Jeremy and Amy, and we did a LOT of fun things and made major amounts of memories.  One of the best was on 08-08-08, when Amy found out she was pregnant on the first day of our 2nd cruise.  Now it was definitely on....the quest for baby was about to really take off at this point.

September, 2008 - Remember that not so easy on the ears doctor? So we went to a fertility center and got the bad news that my 36 year old eggs were old and that I should just plan on jumping straight to a round of Invitro Fertilization. Oh, and he said I should use donor eggs, since those would be more viable. Seriously??  This was unacceptable. After my shock and awe passed, the sadness waned, and the ticked off set in, I told the doctor that I wanted him to treat me like any other young active female that was having trouble getting pregnant. So he did. He checked my tubes, uterus, and insides and he found some issues. I had a couple of cysts and some mild endometriosis.  Surgery in December of 2008 rid me of these issues and I really felt like we were on our way to a clear path of fertility!

March 3rd, 2009 - All of a sudden, mid cycle, I have some bleeding and severe cramping. Because we are actively trying to get pregnant, my first thought is to take a pregnancy test. So on my lunch hour at work I went to Walgreens and bought a cheapy.  It's positive! Wow!  Is this normal? I've never been pregnant before so I'm wondering if all the bleeding and cramping are normal. Of course it wasn't.  I called my doctor and they wanted to see me right away, like, that afternoon.  After a blood test to check my HCG levels and an ultrasound, the immediate and confirmed diagnosis was Ectopic Pregnancy.  I, unfortunately, had a tubal pregnancy. My first question, yes it was naive to even think it, but on some levels it could be possible sometime in the future of science, was "can you just move it down to my uterus?".  Okay, it was a little outside the box, but again maybe someday it will be possible.  I didn't realize that tubal pregnancies can be deadly if not taken care of immediately. So thank goodness it was discovered early. They gave me an injection of Methotrexate, which strangely is a cancer fighting drug, to terminate the pregnancy. Then I went through a month of misery, and when I say misery I mean a month of extreme heavy bleeding, moodiness, and discomfort.  Then it was gone and our journey to fertility began all over again.  

When I finally got my normal cycle back in April I was really excited. Brian and I discussed trying a round of Artificial Insemination so we discussed it with the doctor. He wasn't too thrilled because he said that since I already had one tubal pregnancy, the chances of having another one were higher and the only way to avoid that completely was by doing Invitro.  That was out of the question, due to financial reasons, so i insisted that we try the Insemination first.  He agreed and set us up to speak with the IVF Nurse.  In May I went to a required educational class and we signed all the releases.  Now I just had to wait for the first day of my next period and we would schedule me for the procedure.  Yipeeee, i thought, we were on our way!!!

June 3rd, 2009 - The first day of that months cycle. For some reason I was 3 days late starting, which really didn't make sense then. Looking back from today it makes much more sense, and God is so good when it comes to not giving us what we want in THAT moment, for something greater in another moment down the road a bit.  Because I was 3 days late starting my cycle, when I called the IVF nurse to schedule the Insemination procedure, she said that my window of opportunity was June 9, 10, 11th.  However, it just so happened that I had a business trip planned to San Francisco that had me leaving the early morning of June 9th and returning the late evening of June 11th.  See where I'm going with this?   I was so upset at the time, thinking I would miss this months window of fertility and have to wait another whole month to schedule it again.  (Little did I know at the time that He had a plan for it all.)  

Well, Brian and I didn't let our window of fertility go to waste. When i returned from my trip on the night of June 11th, Brian had a romantic, candlelit evening waiting for me upon returning from the airport.  I was still fertile that day, you know!  :-)

July 3rd - Friday. I was several days late starting this cycle, which bummed me out since i really wanted to schedule the round of artificial insemination. I decided to take a pregnancy test just for kicks. The cheapy I used had a really faint line that was supposed to indicate positive, but I wasnt sure I believed it. Seeing the negative response so many times, i was kind of programmed for letting out a disappointed sigh. So we went to the store and bought the expensive digital tests. After a few minutes of the flashing hour glass, it stopped and read Positive (as seen in the picture above). I kept looking for the "Not" word that should have surely preceded the "Positive" word, but it wasn't there!  I started to smile and went outside to show Brian. He smiled from ear to ear in excitement and disbelief, himself.  We went to Wendy's so I could get a large chocolate frosty to celebrate (my favorite!!).

Here I sit, on July 7th, seven days past what should have been the start of this months cycle, and positive as positive can be for pregnancy.  I went to my fertility doc yesterday. I kept the appointment that i had already made planning for the insemination procedure.  I told them that there was a change of plans, as I seem to have gotten pregnant on my own.  They were very excited for us and said that it happens that way a lot.  They took a blood test to check my hormone levels. My HCG levels are low, but that should just be because it's so early in the pregnancy. My progesterone is low too, which at this point is a bit more concerning since that dictates my uterus ability to hold onto the implanted egg. The doctor prescribed me some vaginal suppositories of progesterone creme to remedy that. I go back on monday, July 13th, 2009, to have my blood drawn and my hormone levels checked again. I'm hopeful that they are where they should be for a normal healthy pregnancy. 

I must add....mid June I started going to my chiropractor 3 times a week for adjustments. I've read that chiropractic care can aid infertility and my friend Amy has some friends who got pregnant after chiropractic treatments. So I thought I would give it a try myself.  Apparently the nerves that come off your lower spine are the ones that feed your reproductive organs, so if that part of your back is out of alignment in the least, then fertility difficulties might occur. After a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, then less than a month seeing my chiropractor regularly and now I'm pregnant, i've got to believe that it's more than coincidence.  I'm continuing to see her for maintaining that healthy alignment and I would encourage anyone having fertility issues to give it a try.

Anyway, in my heart i feel that this time is different. I haven't had any unusual bleeding or cramping. And although too early to really tell for sure, it just feels different. Maybe that is what I need to tell myself, at least, so I don't dwell too much on what COULD ultimately happen this early. Or, maybe I'm just really in tune with what my body is saying and it wants me to know that everything is alright this time. It feels right this time. I pray it's right this time.