I'm Moody!

I’m obsessing! I know this about myself, so it’s double torture. I’m angry that I obsess, and then I’m angry that I don’t have the self control to not obsess since I’m so aware that I obsess. Why does obsessing seem to breed negativity? Why can’t obsessing breed positivity? Why do I find myself starting to resent all the people who seem to get pregnant easily? (Friends and family excluded, of course!) Especially those young, unemployed kids who don’t deserve to be parents right now anyway, I just don’t get it.

And it doesn’t help that a pediatrician friend of mine just told me this morning about a 15 year old patient of hers that she had to tell was pregnant yesterday. A cute little 15 year old volleyball player, who is 21 weeks along and didn’t know it. Wants to abort it, but cant. 21 weeks is too late to abort. So now she, the 15 year old, and her family have to deal with this bad news. My friend told me I should “think about adoption”. Thanks, I thought. I’ll get right on that, you insensitive little *&^%#. I’m not ready to think about adoption and I certainly don’t want someone else to tell me I need to think about adoption. I know she meant well, but it really irritated me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are SO many wonderful kids and babies out there that need good parents and homes, and I’m not against adoption. I know several couples who have adopted due to infertility. And they have wonderful stories and wouldn’t change a thing about how they came to become parents. It’s just that adoption is a HUGE decision that can’t be made on a whim. And, geez, it seems that I CAN get pregnant. I’ve got pregnant twice now. They both ended in miscarriage, but I GOT pregnant. It’s too early to give up on the cause right now….there are so many options we’ve not explored. And who’s to say that this Friday won’t be a day of celebration?

I’m moody today. Friday can’t get here fast enough.

I know why I’m moody. My need to know thoughts culminated this morning with me taking a pregnancy test. Knowing damn well it was too early. 11 days post IUI is way too early for the over-the-counter tests to register a positive result, even if I am pregnant. And I know that, but I took one anyway and now I’m bummed because it said “not pregnant”. Is this a form of self mutilation? Emotional mutilation? Or is this my way of trying to lessen the disappointment I might feel on Friday if I get bad news?

One good thing for me to keep in mind is that I’m not experiencing my usual premenstrual symptoms. My 29 day cycle is up this Saturday. Usually a week before I start my period, I’m eating everything in sight and I’m bloated to the point of discomfort. I’m not right now, so that’s either a sign that I’m pregnant and my cycle isn’t going to start OR it could mean that my cycle is thrown off by the hormones and everything and maybe it’s just going to start late, if I’m indeed not pregnant. I like the first scenario the best, so I’m going to try to hang onto that one until Friday.

Brian wont let me take any more pregnancy tests before Friday. Besides the fact that the $7 price tag on those digital ones are a little much to be wasting, he doesn’t like me getting all bummed out for no reason. And he is right. I’m glad I have him by my side to reason with me. Brian is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s a true blessing to my life. He’s my husband, and he’s my best friend. I love him dearly. Okay…now I’m smiling again. On with the rest of the day!